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Notice

This is logically a notice that if you notice, I have to hide something I have posted. Well, that is a notice for the "The who?!"..not to mention who..

This is not for anybody but of my significant other. I don't want him to be in pain. Just that! Happy! Happy! No worries..whatever! God will save the day! :-)

"Good morning jokers"..as what Jo's(opism8) line is. heheheh!

Oh well, a bla bla notice. lol. ;-p

Breathe

The noisy world, the teaching and the widest web of the world that I left behind pressures me a lot. I chose to jump with a new one..a new line and a new life. This is the real life I have to get in but it seems so hard to push through. I'm loving it but I get scared a lot..many times. I felt so threatend that I might get lost or loose something I can't take hold again. I'm taking a very slow land quiet step that I don't want anybody to notice me like somebody is sleeping dearly and I don't want that person to wake up. Don't get mad at me! Don't stare at me like that! I can't stand it when everybody is looking at me and I'm just standing..crying inside. I want to run. I want to sleep like Im never ever gonna wake up. Really confusing feeling. I felt like suffocated with the full breeze. There's too much but I can't handle it. I look like really hardened and fearless but I don't really know how and where to start another step again. Im on the middle of the way but it is getting even heavier for me to climb. I feel like quitting from the battle but I dont have a choice. Its now or i guess never. Im not sure though. Where will I go? What will happen to me if I quit? The light is better and a lot better than before. If I throw this, i might not find another like this. Its so scary. Im totally squished! I need help..I need peace of mind and soul. I want to find the right room to live.

Just A Lil Peace of Heart

Almost 4yrs now. Im happy that after everything we've been through, we always go back to each other. So many breaks-up but still we are together. I have done a very bad lie and he accepted me back. I started to change myself and go back to the person who loves him so much. He has given me a chance that was full of regrets. I just knew about it now and its all because of trust. I wasn't this bad before. His being so insensitive for almost 2yrs made me like this. Bad thing when it follows more and more of the same situation. Now that Im trying ot be good, I can't even feel my right. I feel like when I am in doubt, I don't have the right to ask because he is making me feel that I have done a very very bad thing that he would compare to whatever bad thing that I could think about him. Until now, I still have this very painful heart that he used to make me feel when we were still starting our years, though not that frequent like before. I can't have a brave heart like forever. I loose strength and its getting even bad when I think about how I tried to make the other two issues about us. Even if it takes my pride away and I put shame on myself just to make things even just a little better. I'm trying to make my own step(never mind to those who don't deserve any respect!). I get tired and it makes me think to have a lil rest. Away from all these stupid things in mind.

Moving on

Up for my 6th day. Work time isn't bad and working place, atmosphere and mates ain't bad. I love the learning but I have to learn alone. I'm keeping my mind very busy so literally, I am moving on from something in the past. Well, i felt a lot better these past few days about that except on hurrying myself on learning a lot more than I could imagine for the new job. So I have this new programming language and database packed in my mind plus a new programming interface learning and installing everything i needed on ubuntu terminal. Very nosebleed! The good thing is I learned getting closer with Mr. and Mrs. Google Yahoo. I learned to read a lot and still I have a lot of questions. Nyahaha! I am making the time of my life on having new knowledge to store in mind. Its a lot better than getting busy with the habbit that I have before. Very very bad habit. "Have fun and never get tired" is the motto. heheh. :-)

Reality

I have been bothered and anxious at the same time. I was given up by the person whom I decided to risk the standards or I may say what is ideal on my own mind. It was certainly the first time I decided to give up whatever what ideal is to me to the person who has nothing but pride. I guess pride cannot feed you right?! Well, call me dumb but I did it. I accepted the almost downs that i consider he have. Just when I did, he run away, get scared of the responsibility of the beginning to be serious dou relationship. I am still blessed after all because somebody came back to rescue my misery. I was very thankful that after all he still accepted me back and I call my greatest intelligence to knock me off and tell me to stop the illness that I am doing. But then I wasn't that happy. I have questions in mind and I have more words left to say to the person who left me. I tried to work things back but he refused it. I tried to speak out but he just got to say yes and not doing it so. I miss everything and it almost killed me knowing that he walked away because he was tired of me, for a month, and not just because its getting so hard for him to accept that we are together but i can't get over still with the past. Maybe he was just so coward or shameful to see me in person so I decided to converse with him in sms to clear things up so I can end everything and move on without any regrets why I did not do such things. So I got all the answers that I needed and I had better feeling when I woke up today cause we had that conversation last night and I finally decided to end up bothering him and his "happy" life as what he said. Well, gotta grow and leave things cleared as what I told him. I never really stop when I am hanging and uncleared. Reality hurts but indeed sets me free. Still hard now but I am trying to get busy. Luck for me! ;-)

Illegally Done

Suspect?? Of course not! Thank God I'm not. We started last night around 10PM until its almost 1AM. I am very proud to say that I illegally stripped down nervousness, have taken off my fear and I strongly and cautiously take my first step..my very first time to take a wheel. I felt very excited and very happy the first time I had turn on the engine, change the gear, "clutch and break", engage gas and make it finally moving. I can make a turn though not that good. My first practice isn't that bad after all. We almost fell to Roxas canal, bump into the garbage containers..as in big containers and almost hit 3 persons of different places. My teacher who is my co-teacher even get nervous and instead of turning off the engine when I lose the break he got lost as well. Good thing the last minute when we were about to fall, I stepped on the break. Wahahah! That was scary. Here's these 2 guys sitting beside the road when I was so busy controlling the gas, stepping the clutch and changing the gear when I did not notice I was too much on the side. I almost hit them. They really jumped! Oooppss! Sorry! At least I did not kill them. But they were shouting at me. When we cross the first bigger crossing I almost hit another man so instead of hitting him we went all through the canal and almost fell if i haven't manage to step on the break. We were laughing a lot after all. The 1st challenge was to turn that "thing"(i don't now how to call it coz its not a car). I can't control the gas very well so we make the road busy coz my teacher have to turn off the engine before we crash the garbage containers. So we were on the road and makin'it heavy for all the drivers. The second and the third time I made a turn, it was successful and i can even park. Weeee! The most challenging thing was when we were on the real busy road. It is not even busy compared when its morning and traffic light is there. It was pretty late so no traffic light and lesser cars but still its too many for me. The engine stopped like for 5 times and a lot were waiting at our back. I am so pressured to make the engine running again. It was hard. From Roxas to Matina I was driving and we dropped by the gasoline station at Ecoland Caltex before reaching Matina. I made it! I am so having fun! We are using the manual mode as what they call it and I know how to change gear upto the 4th gear. The hardest thing maybe is to go backwards. Haven't tried that. Its my next step maybe. Im so excited for it but there is still a lot to practice. Multi-tasking, keeping on the lane, looking on the mirrors, changing gear while driving, not forgetting the clutch before break or changing gear and controlling the gas..very important. Well, not too bad for a first timer and my teacher said, I ain't that hard to teach. Together with this I am planning to just have fun and forget about something..my emotions. Maybe diverting my strong feelings to something into another something will make me forget whatever it is. Have fun now!..I am happy but it makes me sad..:-(

The pain..I surrender

Love Snap

You gave me up when I was about to keep you
Makin' me deem the off beem grounds why you have to leave
Thinking you were coward to face me
You are just egocentric and kept yourself gratis.

I was timid when I had you
You were no good thing for me by all means
I never gave up your juvenile side and lunacy
Changing yourself to amaze me, just a facade of you.

The circle around you and the faith weighs a lot to me
Fence and light in you shelter are indeed great
This time everything around you is admirable to have
Coward, fraud, foolish, egocentric...Now the hitch was you.

I can't believe the moments we had Isn't genuine
Can't think how you fake to show strong feelings
I was giving in seeing you change to make us better
For just a second with the wind you abscond.

I might miss you but miserably I had to get enough of this
I can't let this passion ruin down on my blood
You do not merit to have what I have for you
Wasted everything and I now I have to yield.