Try this

Del.icio.us

Notice

This is logically a notice that if you notice, I have to hide something I have posted. Well, that is a notice for the "The who?!"..not to mention who..

This is not for anybody but of my significant other. I don't want him to be in pain. Just that! Happy! Happy! No worries..whatever! God will save the day! :-)

"Good morning jokers"..as what Jo's(opism8) line is. heheheh!

Oh well, a bla bla notice. lol. ;-p

Breathe

The noisy world, the teaching and the widest web of the world that I left behind pressures me a lot. I chose to jump with a new one..a new line and a new life. This is the real life I have to get in but it seems so hard to push through. I'm loving it but I get scared a lot..many times. I felt so threatend that I might get lost or loose something I can't take hold again. I'm taking a very slow land quiet step that I don't want anybody to notice me like somebody is sleeping dearly and I don't want that person to wake up. Don't get mad at me! Don't stare at me like that! I can't stand it when everybody is looking at me and I'm just standing..crying inside. I want to run. I want to sleep like Im never ever gonna wake up. Really confusing feeling. I felt like suffocated with the full breeze. There's too much but I can't handle it. I look like really hardened and fearless but I don't really know how and where to start another step again. Im on the middle of the way but it is getting even heavier for me to climb. I feel like quitting from the battle but I dont have a choice. Its now or i guess never. Im not sure though. Where will I go? What will happen to me if I quit? The light is better and a lot better than before. If I throw this, i might not find another like this. Its so scary. Im totally squished! I need help..I need peace of mind and soul. I want to find the right room to live.

Just A Lil Peace of Heart

Almost 4yrs now. Im happy that after everything we've been through, we always go back to each other. So many breaks-up but still we are together. I have done a very bad lie and he accepted me back. I started to change myself and go back to the person who loves him so much. He has given me a chance that was full of regrets. I just knew about it now and its all because of trust. I wasn't this bad before. His being so insensitive for almost 2yrs made me like this. Bad thing when it follows more and more of the same situation. Now that Im trying ot be good, I can't even feel my right. I feel like when I am in doubt, I don't have the right to ask because he is making me feel that I have done a very very bad thing that he would compare to whatever bad thing that I could think about him. Until now, I still have this very painful heart that he used to make me feel when we were still starting our years, though not that frequent like before. I can't have a brave heart like forever. I loose strength and its getting even bad when I think about how I tried to make the other two issues about us. Even if it takes my pride away and I put shame on myself just to make things even just a little better. I'm trying to make my own step(never mind to those who don't deserve any respect!). I get tired and it makes me think to have a lil rest. Away from all these stupid things in mind.

Moving on

Up for my 6th day. Work time isn't bad and working place, atmosphere and mates ain't bad. I love the learning but I have to learn alone. I'm keeping my mind very busy so literally, I am moving on from something in the past. Well, i felt a lot better these past few days about that except on hurrying myself on learning a lot more than I could imagine for the new job. So I have this new programming language and database packed in my mind plus a new programming interface learning and installing everything i needed on ubuntu terminal. Very nosebleed! The good thing is I learned getting closer with Mr. and Mrs. Google Yahoo. I learned to read a lot and still I have a lot of questions. Nyahaha! I am making the time of my life on having new knowledge to store in mind. Its a lot better than getting busy with the habbit that I have before. Very very bad habit. "Have fun and never get tired" is the motto. heheh. :-)

Reality

I have been bothered and anxious at the same time. I was given up by the person whom I decided to risk the standards or I may say what is ideal on my own mind. It was certainly the first time I decided to give up whatever what ideal is to me to the person who has nothing but pride. I guess pride cannot feed you right?! Well, call me dumb but I did it. I accepted the almost downs that i consider he have. Just when I did, he run away, get scared of the responsibility of the beginning to be serious dou relationship. I am still blessed after all because somebody came back to rescue my misery. I was very thankful that after all he still accepted me back and I call my greatest intelligence to knock me off and tell me to stop the illness that I am doing. But then I wasn't that happy. I have questions in mind and I have more words left to say to the person who left me. I tried to work things back but he refused it. I tried to speak out but he just got to say yes and not doing it so. I miss everything and it almost killed me knowing that he walked away because he was tired of me, for a month, and not just because its getting so hard for him to accept that we are together but i can't get over still with the past. Maybe he was just so coward or shameful to see me in person so I decided to converse with him in sms to clear things up so I can end everything and move on without any regrets why I did not do such things. So I got all the answers that I needed and I had better feeling when I woke up today cause we had that conversation last night and I finally decided to end up bothering him and his "happy" life as what he said. Well, gotta grow and leave things cleared as what I told him. I never really stop when I am hanging and uncleared. Reality hurts but indeed sets me free. Still hard now but I am trying to get busy. Luck for me! ;-)