Turning Back...Pathetic! = KARMA

You might be thinking that was someone special to me I'm referring to on the title. Not really! That was no other than me.

There was this guy that was with me for more than 2 years. After all these time that we spent together, I realized that a lot of things had changed. It’s not only his shortcomings but "our" shortcomings. I don’t exactly know how to define the feelings I have for him…feelings that was left for him. I ask some space from him to let me think but we actually ended up breaking-up. I was okay at first but the feelings began to roll-over and pinch me saying I'm not okay at all. I ask to go back to him but he won’t agree at all. I know he loves me when he had given me another chance to think. After 6 chances and another chance was given to me…again. It was really shameful that I was this bad right now. I was never this disastrous all my life and so I was living my one week with the exaggeration of freedom. I’m weighing things so cautiously and preventing any other third party reasons to be involved.

Third party because that was where the chaos has started from. A V-Ball Varsity Player of our school who happens to be my best friend at the same time a guy turned to be loved by me. He was really different and to sum it all up, he maybe different because he was young and innocent. I saw him slowly changing from the willing guy to the insensitive guy. Insensitive because he never takes care of me at all and doesn’t even think of my emotions. I wonder if he can even feel what I always feel when he does really striking things with his very selfish words. Huh! It was really boring and tiring at once. I can’t see him and I can’t even feel him. Not even when he knew that I don’t have a boyfriend anymore. It was really arresting when he told me that he still love me but it wasn’t enough for him to fight and stand for me. Though I understand that he still loves me and there were a lot of things to consider why he can’t be with me, I found myself slowly falling out of love. It was maybe because I’m afraid of taking the same pain if I’ll be with him. The good thing was he told me that he was doing that for me because as long as he wasn’t sure of his love, he would just continuously hurt me. That was actually good but it kind of bores me and automatically made me tired.

I know it’s not good to make it a part of the reason for me to go back to my 2years guy but just to be true, I won’t deny it. I want to go back to him for realizing that I still love him and that I still long to be with him. Plus that reason as well. Anyway, I just don’t want to be fraud.

I got a crush since first year and undeniably, I found him more interesting than my best friend. I’m really so sorry to say this but I can feel his presence than of the person I expected more to be there. I can’t blame anybody for these but myself. Unfortunately, he has a girlfriend already and I respect that very much. But one thing is sure, I felt something special for him right now.

Just to be definite, I chose the one I’m sure I feel for and I’m sure I want to be with me. For now, I can’t say for the rest of my life but for the life that I am playing right now. I want him, I need him and love is a factor for all of these feelings. I was somehow still indecisive of where or what will happen to my future life. That is why, I’m just playing my part. I maybe unjust for so many times in so many ways especially to my 2 years guy but I’m trying to make it up on him…slowly. I still have the heart I know and it’s just a matter of discipline to my urges.

The title actually speaks about the three guys turning their backs on me and no wonder that’s pathetic. That’s what Karma is. Asking who’s that pathetic? It’s no other than me.