Endless Nights

I was back from my vacation last October 25, 2007 to be on the b-day of my 2years boyfriend. I was happy when he was surprised to see me back. I did not tell him know that I am already in the city on his day. I really planned to surprise him and was happy for his speechless reaction. “You made my day complete!” This was his words and I was overwhelmed because of that. I stayed in the city for about 4 days before I went home to my hometown. Before I left, something terrible happened that made me think I wish I never got home earlier…he might be still mine. I never realized he could dispatch me that easy. We had a fight and maybe he got annoyed of me. The point is, I never thought these could be done easier. We had a break-up and he was not replying on my SMS and not even replying on my pm’s on yahoo. How could I ever reach him and solve the problem? I’m still with my family and I can’t go near to him right now. Anyway, I had a lot of endless nights. I can’t sleep just thinking of what is really happening. Are we really done?! Is this really happening?! I want to talk to him but it seems that he doesn’t care. I don’t even know what to do because I can’t move here. So many tears again right now and I cant believe I’m in this kind of stage again. I just gave up a best friend who also gave me up and so I had a lot of reasons to cry…to drink. Hoping not!!! Im alone now and had a lot of extended endless nights and probably days. A lot of reasons to fake a smile, to pretend Im okay and to act as if nothing had happened.

Future vs. Future

Realizing that after all it was not that easy to say who is meant to stay with you for the rest of your life. Often saying to myself things like he maybe or he may not be. It’s a choice to live and whom to live with. I was a hesitant of taking the risk but right now, I’m ready to take it. The only thing is I can’t do it right now because of some circumstances or maybe because there is nobody waiting still. The reality is, I was fooling myself that there are too many of them. I’m not really sure if they are just there because I do the first move and they just don’t want me to be ashamed of myself.
Anyway, why did I say future versus future? I guess a lot would say, “In my future life, I want to be stable…I have work, I own my house, I have my family and just have enough number of kids!”. This is true for several people including me. I see a guy that could be and might be going with me with that future life. I often thought about that for so many times and a smile and somehow a satisfaction is within me. I just discovered lately that it’s not the way it is. There could be a change on that matter. I forgot to ask myself bout this, “What will happen if you see your future away from the place you are right now and the guy you see going with you for that kind of future life sees that negatively…as in break-up?!” I’m going to explain that! What I meant is, I see him my future one but my own future is away with the place he could have a stable future. What will I choose, the future one or my own future? I mean, yes I know I have to consider my own future first but it could be without the future one. Or it could be that my own future is without my own future but with the future one. I never really imagined that I could be choosing from the two. Maybe the future one I thought will be going with me is not really the one. I mean, do you get it?! He is stable in his place and he wants to be in the place with his own family. If I leave the place, I might not be his family anymore. I don’t know what to choose for now. Let’s just see and let’s just play it. Answers will be soon revealed as my studies and some other important matters in life will be fulfilled before choosing what kind of future is much greater to live.

My Dancing World

I’m so addicted to something right now. Good things it's not about guys this time. Lols. Anyway, I’m super having fun when I started playing this. It was just installed in Amigoas Internet Café and just noticed the icon on the desktop.

I was really attracted to it because I love dancing. I’m not really good at it but at least I’m not that bad on it. I can do some moves, freestyle maybe. I am actually referring to an online dance game called AUDITION.

I know some of you already know bout this. I’m not sure but I think it’s my 3^rd month of playing it. I remember myself teasing my classmates playing DOTA that it’s not a good habit but right now, guess who’s talking?! I’m also one of them! On the other hand, my game is not about war so it’s a bit safe. (Laughs) I’m not sure if it’s nice to promote this. I’m addicted to this but I’m trying to stop it since I’m still studying and this may pull my attention out from school. Hopefully not! Anyway, it’s no harm if you know how to control yourself. So what is about this online game AUDITION? First you are trained on how to play the game. Commonly used are the arrow keys and the spacebar. For those who want to do the higher level, they use the numbered keys on the right side of the keyboard. So the usual is up, down, right and left keys. 7, 9, 1 and 3 are the next level keys. I never tried that actually. It’s just too hard for me. There where also a lot of game moods. I just do the CHOREO which is much easier for a beginner to do using the 4 arrow keys and the D4. It’s kind of similar to CHOREO but really fast. More choices found in it. If you want to be in the group, you should level-up of course. For the levels 1-5, I remember playing and playing until I reached up to level 5. I was wondering when it takes a while and my level was not progressing. Then I noticed the LICENSE which is a game for you to take. It’s a challenge. Once you fulfill the mission, you got the nest level +++ more money added to your earned DEN. Den is how they call their money. They also have another kind of money but through buying an E-games card. I’m not buying it because I want to earn it on my own. Amazing it is because it also has a shopping mall where you can buy clothes, shoes, hairstyle and face. When you have a better look, it may let other gamers think that you’re really good for earning that much and buying those clothes or maybe, you just bought a card. So now you know why I never buy a card?!...When you get addicted to it, its bad but on the other hand, you will be learning a lot here. “Patience is a virtue”. That is one thing I have in mind when playing. You will never earn money if you never practice a lot. You will receive a lot of “BOOs “when you miss a step but just take it as a challenge to do good next time. The rating are actually, from the lowest level, are MISS, BAD, COOL, GREAT and PERFECT! If you get perfect you’ll get a higher score. It is much better if you have RANDOM of perfect. That’s the COMBO. It’s really a way too broad game. I don’t know if I miss to say something more about the game. Well, if you want to play it, download the installer now. Get online and learn to discover as how I did it. If you’ll get interested, see you there! I’m dna0811 by the way and I will be very glad to play with you.

Turning Back...Pathetic! = KARMA

You might be thinking that was someone special to me I'm referring to on the title. Not really! That was no other than me.

There was this guy that was with me for more than 2 years. After all these time that we spent together, I realized that a lot of things had changed. It’s not only his shortcomings but "our" shortcomings. I don’t exactly know how to define the feelings I have for him…feelings that was left for him. I ask some space from him to let me think but we actually ended up breaking-up. I was okay at first but the feelings began to roll-over and pinch me saying I'm not okay at all. I ask to go back to him but he won’t agree at all. I know he loves me when he had given me another chance to think. After 6 chances and another chance was given to me…again. It was really shameful that I was this bad right now. I was never this disastrous all my life and so I was living my one week with the exaggeration of freedom. I’m weighing things so cautiously and preventing any other third party reasons to be involved.

Third party because that was where the chaos has started from. A V-Ball Varsity Player of our school who happens to be my best friend at the same time a guy turned to be loved by me. He was really different and to sum it all up, he maybe different because he was young and innocent. I saw him slowly changing from the willing guy to the insensitive guy. Insensitive because he never takes care of me at all and doesn’t even think of my emotions. I wonder if he can even feel what I always feel when he does really striking things with his very selfish words. Huh! It was really boring and tiring at once. I can’t see him and I can’t even feel him. Not even when he knew that I don’t have a boyfriend anymore. It was really arresting when he told me that he still love me but it wasn’t enough for him to fight and stand for me. Though I understand that he still loves me and there were a lot of things to consider why he can’t be with me, I found myself slowly falling out of love. It was maybe because I’m afraid of taking the same pain if I’ll be with him. The good thing was he told me that he was doing that for me because as long as he wasn’t sure of his love, he would just continuously hurt me. That was actually good but it kind of bores me and automatically made me tired.

I know it’s not good to make it a part of the reason for me to go back to my 2years guy but just to be true, I won’t deny it. I want to go back to him for realizing that I still love him and that I still long to be with him. Plus that reason as well. Anyway, I just don’t want to be fraud.

I got a crush since first year and undeniably, I found him more interesting than my best friend. I’m really so sorry to say this but I can feel his presence than of the person I expected more to be there. I can’t blame anybody for these but myself. Unfortunately, he has a girlfriend already and I respect that very much. But one thing is sure, I felt something special for him right now.

Just to be definite, I chose the one I’m sure I feel for and I’m sure I want to be with me. For now, I can’t say for the rest of my life but for the life that I am playing right now. I want him, I need him and love is a factor for all of these feelings. I was somehow still indecisive of where or what will happen to my future life. That is why, I’m just playing my part. I maybe unjust for so many times in so many ways especially to my 2 years guy but I’m trying to make it up on him…slowly. I still have the heart I know and it’s just a matter of discipline to my urges.

The title actually speaks about the three guys turning their backs on me and no wonder that’s pathetic. That’s what Karma is. Asking who’s that pathetic? It’s no other than me.