Listen

Never had said I'm gonna lose the feeling but I lose him. I don't know why and don't know that it was going to happen. We'd never been together for long so I would not say I'm in love with him. I have my man and I still respect that matter. This other guy is just new, vague and easy. In behalf he's damn childish. I understand that he may act like that but he is supposed to be understanding the life around him. He would have just do good things to the one he cares but never really to those who are just around him. I know that he is trying to go back to the good man he is(i know he has a good side though). I just want to let go and give him up. There is this girl who's also close to me and really very sweet and good. I'm happy that she may be the one. I would be a lot happier if this guy would change because of her. I'm aching and it makes me want to drop a tear. I felt crying in front of him. "Whoever she is, that may not be me but just go back to the good person i felt you are." How I wish I could be the one but I think I will never be. He is starting to drop his passion to maybe win this girl. I'm happy that he is changing for somehow inspired with the presence of a girl, my friend i may say. I'm just hoping that his glow would cure my letting go. I don't know why I have the highest hope on him. I can't even explain why every time I get mad at him, there is always something pulling me back on staying with him and understanding his vague side. I'm a friend to him now and I'm supposed to be acting that way. Sometimes, it makes me want to run away. I want to see him happy but with another girl, one of the closest, it would make me bleed. As what I'm saying, I hope he could be happy with me and change for good as well. But now I guess its not my way to do it. I have to smile for them and I have to cry when they turn their back on me and laugh for being together. I want to accept that we are over whatever it is that we have or I have for him. I guess I would just keep on singing in my mind...the song I keep on listening right now. I asked him to sing for me and this song that keeps on playing now reminds me of his smile, his laugh and his smell...don't make any "Trouble" now...

Sooo Pissed Off

I cant construct my words. I've been spending minutes here and I still don't know how to state things. I'm just gonna make this straight. I hate being played like a fool specially when I'm starting to like a person. Hell with those who feel they are God and feel so great with themselves. I was about to fall and a guy just messed up on me. "Don't mess with pigs because pigs likes dirty and you might get dirty as well". He really is a pig and I'm starting to get dirty! I have a lot of cursing in mind but I don't want to write it here. I felt played and fooled! Just one thing. If your not on my page just tell me. You don't have to play or fool me. I need honesty and I don't want to think that you're one of them. I still have small chances for you. You're not oblige to do any good. Just be honest even if it's the worst. Just let me know my tone so I know where to position myself, what to act towards this shit and what to do to be out of it! Good enough?! You should be catching up my point now! Just simply tell me the truth and go away. You just wasted my time and my emotions towards you. I'm starting to get weak and I hate it because I'm not suppose to be affected. Gosh! I can't believe its happening again. I never learned! I want to think I'm wrong but where are you? I can't feel you and I can't see you. Go to hell!!!! grrrrrrr...!!! I'm really so mad of myself. I felt crying for being so stupid! I did one bad step again and I'm thinking how to get my dignity back! I want to scream every time I wake up and he is the first thing that comes in my mind. Get lost you dick head! I should not care because he doesn't even give a damn care. I have to tone down and forget whatever happened and whatever I feel. This is not doing any good for myself. I should learn out of it. Its just too hard for me to accept the situation because I'm already into it. Amnesia please! I really hate this and its happening again.

Hopin' I wasn't Wrong

Finally have done a very stupid thing in my recent life. The kindest thing I can do is say to someone that I did something very unacceptable to make him go away. Rubbish isn't it?! Yeah, I know but that's all I think I can do to make him hate me. I always thought I was wrong but half of it was right because I thought that wasn't selfish. I'm definitely playing drama now. Sitting alone here in front of this computer...crying and hurt. I'm wondering if I did the right decision. I'm with a man who talks about marriage, kids, house...yada yada...it's all about future on the right time but it seems that it's slowly flying over the wind. We're ok and yes we really are. Maybe for him we are but for me I'm starting to get sick. Did I make the right decision of choosing him? I'm too prank I know but I felt useless. I don't know what's in his mind every time I'm asking what's wrong. I don't know if he really meant on saying nothing or he just don't want to talk about it. Are we just afraid to loose each other though we really want it to?! A part of me says hold on cause its normal but the other part of me just wants to go on...alone and without him. I'm not as productive as he is definitely because I'm fresh in this real world. I want to be as he is, more if I can. It takes time and I could never say I could be the person he wants me to be. I want to feel from him that he fully accepts me as who I am or who will I become in time. Its regardless if he forget to text me, pay attention with my messages, ignoring some of my achievements. I even feel that he doesn't really believe on me and on what I can do. It wasn't right to feel this way but I felt so small with him. Its not supposed to be like this. This is love isn't it?? It should be understanding, trust and not thinking against it. Its always kind I suppose but why is it that I felt it like were playing so selfish with each other. I don't have any comments right now maybe because I cant construct the right words to say. I understand that he is tired and he has a lot of obligations but he is not alone in this world. He may see me small but I also have my obligations. It might be small to him but its a lot bigger in my small world. I'm just hoppin' I was right on choosing him and giving him my life. I got nothing else to say...

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Dank für das Summer

I woke up and...(sigh)! I don't really know how to start this. I don't want to talk about this again. Maybe I'm just starting to reminisce the past. They always say that love causes pain because of the memories. Well, too bad that's how my day started. Reminiscing the past...again! I was like trying to know what's the latest of this person. I tried to know the truth but there were a lot of versions. So I ended up confusing myself. I don't know what to think but I don't really need to think about it. I said I'm done already. I did it but just when I opened my YM account in another interface, there I found again that forbidden account. I was thinking it was wrong so i tried to send a message to find out but then I found out it was really his account. I don't know why it was not deleted on that interface. Well, I don't know how to delete it. I want to find out but then, just when I found out, I don't want to delete it anymore. Maybe because I was thinking that God has a reason why it has to appear there again. Well, It's another challenge for me to fight with. I was back again in this Summer time and it really triggers me to think of how it was during the last year's summer. Everything was just that person and I hate it! I felt reading our past text messages but good thing that phone was gone. I was reading his Friendster messages where everything started and the comment that he made for me. I was thinking if its really true. I felt that he used me and if he was thinking I did used him as well, so maybe we just used each other on those time. But I believe I don't, maybe he did. Enough with that! I write because everything just comes back to life. I felt like crying when I was reading his Friendster messages. The "Pls take care always" that I last heard a year ago or lesser and now, he had somebody else to say those lines. It was me but now it seems that the voice was so far. I can no longer hear it. I felt so emotional today. I prayed as I go to mass this evening. I hope that we both will be at peace again. If not as someone, at least as somebody. I would like to reach him my lines..."Thanks for that Summer"! I've been always humming and singing that song today. I want to cry it out again so that tomorrow, I'll forget all the pain. I believe his happy with someone else's arms...I'm happy for that. It really tears me apart but really I was thankful to have you, to learn from you, to feel real love when I felt no love at all, for making me happy on that very short time yet seems so long, for letting me experience another version of loving, for making me realize my worth, for making me the happiest princess as you were my prince, for the comfort, for the care and the tears you shed, for loving me as the most unworthy person to catch your loving...I did love you and thank you for everything. I will never forget that summer when you came and you catch me just when I was about to fall.

Thank You!

I was so happy to have another shoulder other than the shoulders I already have. That is what this man is to me but above all, I have learned to love him more than I could imagine. It hurts me when stuffs like this happened. Insults! I hate it specially when its comes from him. Maybe I just don't want to hear it from the man I love. It's like embracing a love of pain. I was always thankful for the love he has for me and really thankful for every inch of help he gives me when I need him or when I cant really move for having nothing. I was always thankful and is always thankful for that but just when I have known those words from him...I was really disappointed. I'm happy for all the help he is giving but I never really forced him to give help. I borrow and I pay. If there's nothing to be borrowed then he could refuse. I mean, I don't want to just hear it at the end that there was actually a problem on that. I know that this person was really good...he shares a lot of what he had. A lot of people was thankful to that including me but I believe that Im the only person he had talked about this matter.I know it was not of his intention to insult me but I just felt that way. I never intended to be somebody's burden into their lives. I am always thankful for these kind of people who is always willing to help. Specially because this person is simply special to me. But I never expected this would happen. From now on, I will consider him as my last option on helping me to survive. I never forced him and I will never make him do it because of sympathy. Never again now that I knew what he felt and think about it.