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This is logically a notice that if you notice, I have to hide something I have posted. Well, that is a notice for the "The who?!"..not to mention who..

This is not for anybody but of my significant other. I don't want him to be in pain. Just that! Happy! Happy! No worries..whatever! God will save the day! :-)

"Good morning jokers"..as what Jo's(opism8) line is. heheheh!

Oh well, a bla bla notice. lol. ;-p

Breathe

The noisy world, the teaching and the widest web of the world that I left behind pressures me a lot. I chose to jump with a new one..a new line and a new life. This is the real life I have to get in but it seems so hard to push through. I'm loving it but I get scared a lot..many times. I felt so threatend that I might get lost or loose something I can't take hold again. I'm taking a very slow land quiet step that I don't want anybody to notice me like somebody is sleeping dearly and I don't want that person to wake up. Don't get mad at me! Don't stare at me like that! I can't stand it when everybody is looking at me and I'm just standing..crying inside. I want to run. I want to sleep like Im never ever gonna wake up. Really confusing feeling. I felt like suffocated with the full breeze. There's too much but I can't handle it. I look like really hardened and fearless but I don't really know how and where to start another step again. Im on the middle of the way but it is getting even heavier for me to climb. I feel like quitting from the battle but I dont have a choice. Its now or i guess never. Im not sure though. Where will I go? What will happen to me if I quit? The light is better and a lot better than before. If I throw this, i might not find another like this. Its so scary. Im totally squished! I need help..I need peace of mind and soul. I want to find the right room to live.

Just A Lil Peace of Heart

Almost 4yrs now. Im happy that after everything we've been through, we always go back to each other. So many breaks-up but still we are together. I have done a very bad lie and he accepted me back. I started to change myself and go back to the person who loves him so much. He has given me a chance that was full of regrets. I just knew about it now and its all because of trust. I wasn't this bad before. His being so insensitive for almost 2yrs made me like this. Bad thing when it follows more and more of the same situation. Now that Im trying ot be good, I can't even feel my right. I feel like when I am in doubt, I don't have the right to ask because he is making me feel that I have done a very very bad thing that he would compare to whatever bad thing that I could think about him. Until now, I still have this very painful heart that he used to make me feel when we were still starting our years, though not that frequent like before. I can't have a brave heart like forever. I loose strength and its getting even bad when I think about how I tried to make the other two issues about us. Even if it takes my pride away and I put shame on myself just to make things even just a little better. I'm trying to make my own step(never mind to those who don't deserve any respect!). I get tired and it makes me think to have a lil rest. Away from all these stupid things in mind.

Moving on

Up for my 6th day. Work time isn't bad and working place, atmosphere and mates ain't bad. I love the learning but I have to learn alone. I'm keeping my mind very busy so literally, I am moving on from something in the past. Well, i felt a lot better these past few days about that except on hurrying myself on learning a lot more than I could imagine for the new job. So I have this new programming language and database packed in my mind plus a new programming interface learning and installing everything i needed on ubuntu terminal. Very nosebleed! The good thing is I learned getting closer with Mr. and Mrs. Google Yahoo. I learned to read a lot and still I have a lot of questions. Nyahaha! I am making the time of my life on having new knowledge to store in mind. Its a lot better than getting busy with the habbit that I have before. Very very bad habit. "Have fun and never get tired" is the motto. heheh. :-)

Reality

I have been bothered and anxious at the same time. I was given up by the person whom I decided to risk the standards or I may say what is ideal on my own mind. It was certainly the first time I decided to give up whatever what ideal is to me to the person who has nothing but pride. I guess pride cannot feed you right?! Well, call me dumb but I did it. I accepted the almost downs that i consider he have. Just when I did, he run away, get scared of the responsibility of the beginning to be serious dou relationship. I am still blessed after all because somebody came back to rescue my misery. I was very thankful that after all he still accepted me back and I call my greatest intelligence to knock me off and tell me to stop the illness that I am doing. But then I wasn't that happy. I have questions in mind and I have more words left to say to the person who left me. I tried to work things back but he refused it. I tried to speak out but he just got to say yes and not doing it so. I miss everything and it almost killed me knowing that he walked away because he was tired of me, for a month, and not just because its getting so hard for him to accept that we are together but i can't get over still with the past. Maybe he was just so coward or shameful to see me in person so I decided to converse with him in sms to clear things up so I can end everything and move on without any regrets why I did not do such things. So I got all the answers that I needed and I had better feeling when I woke up today cause we had that conversation last night and I finally decided to end up bothering him and his "happy" life as what he said. Well, gotta grow and leave things cleared as what I told him. I never really stop when I am hanging and uncleared. Reality hurts but indeed sets me free. Still hard now but I am trying to get busy. Luck for me! ;-)

Illegally Done

Suspect?? Of course not! Thank God I'm not. We started last night around 10PM until its almost 1AM. I am very proud to say that I illegally stripped down nervousness, have taken off my fear and I strongly and cautiously take my first step..my very first time to take a wheel. I felt very excited and very happy the first time I had turn on the engine, change the gear, "clutch and break", engage gas and make it finally moving. I can make a turn though not that good. My first practice isn't that bad after all. We almost fell to Roxas canal, bump into the garbage containers..as in big containers and almost hit 3 persons of different places. My teacher who is my co-teacher even get nervous and instead of turning off the engine when I lose the break he got lost as well. Good thing the last minute when we were about to fall, I stepped on the break. Wahahah! That was scary. Here's these 2 guys sitting beside the road when I was so busy controlling the gas, stepping the clutch and changing the gear when I did not notice I was too much on the side. I almost hit them. They really jumped! Oooppss! Sorry! At least I did not kill them. But they were shouting at me. When we cross the first bigger crossing I almost hit another man so instead of hitting him we went all through the canal and almost fell if i haven't manage to step on the break. We were laughing a lot after all. The 1st challenge was to turn that "thing"(i don't now how to call it coz its not a car). I can't control the gas very well so we make the road busy coz my teacher have to turn off the engine before we crash the garbage containers. So we were on the road and makin'it heavy for all the drivers. The second and the third time I made a turn, it was successful and i can even park. Weeee! The most challenging thing was when we were on the real busy road. It is not even busy compared when its morning and traffic light is there. It was pretty late so no traffic light and lesser cars but still its too many for me. The engine stopped like for 5 times and a lot were waiting at our back. I am so pressured to make the engine running again. It was hard. From Roxas to Matina I was driving and we dropped by the gasoline station at Ecoland Caltex before reaching Matina. I made it! I am so having fun! We are using the manual mode as what they call it and I know how to change gear upto the 4th gear. The hardest thing maybe is to go backwards. Haven't tried that. Its my next step maybe. Im so excited for it but there is still a lot to practice. Multi-tasking, keeping on the lane, looking on the mirrors, changing gear while driving, not forgetting the clutch before break or changing gear and controlling the gas..very important. Well, not too bad for a first timer and my teacher said, I ain't that hard to teach. Together with this I am planning to just have fun and forget about something..my emotions. Maybe diverting my strong feelings to something into another something will make me forget whatever it is. Have fun now!..I am happy but it makes me sad..:-(

The pain..I surrender

Love Snap

You gave me up when I was about to keep you
Makin' me deem the off beem grounds why you have to leave
Thinking you were coward to face me
You are just egocentric and kept yourself gratis.

I was timid when I had you
You were no good thing for me by all means
I never gave up your juvenile side and lunacy
Changing yourself to amaze me, just a facade of you.

The circle around you and the faith weighs a lot to me
Fence and light in you shelter are indeed great
This time everything around you is admirable to have
Coward, fraud, foolish, egocentric...Now the hitch was you.

I can't believe the moments we had Isn't genuine
Can't think how you fake to show strong feelings
I was giving in seeing you change to make us better
For just a second with the wind you abscond.

I might miss you but miserably I had to get enough of this
I can't let this passion ruin down on my blood
You do not merit to have what I have for you
Wasted everything and I now I have to yield.

Vampire's Love

"I will do everything to protect you..."

"Your scent is like a drug to me..."

Vampires doesn't sleep, the color of their eyes changes, they were believed to be bad...the cold ones who eats meat..humans! "Twilight" is a movie that explains about love with two creatures totally different from each other. One with warm blood and the other one with the cold hands. If vampires were real and if they are all vegetarian like Edward Cullen's family, I will probably be inlove with them. Human is my kind but we even hurt each other, we give pain, we lie and we leave. We have good sides if we are truly inlove. I see the bad, the worst and the negative side but there is always sunshine after the rain.(lol) The story that started from a book, read by a few, now became an inspiration. A story of an impossible love that touches one's heart. There were a lot of reactions after watching the movie. Its indeed a simple movie yet I love the concept of it. Have your own eyes witness the movie and have the reaction of your own..

D's Day!

Its my Hon's bday yesterday and I fell asleep so I just made this blog early morning of the 26th. Its my rest day but still, I woke up 'd same time i usually wake up when I have work, 3:40am. I looked for food first but just a small piece of cake was left for me. Its 4:07am and now I'm writing. I was really happy that he love 'd gifts i gave him. I really don't have any idea what to give him. So I end up walking at the mall not knowing exactly what to buy.

Well, that's it. A shirt and a frame with our pix on it. He placed the frame on his working table and he wore the shirt and still wearing it right now. They haven't had rest 'cause they've been drinking the whole time.

Other than that, i bought him a cake with greetings on it. I held the cake when he blew the candle. He is really getting old but hopin' that he's maturity won't be hard for me to deal with. There were really a lot of people here in the hauz. Its like a reunion to all of his long time friends.
Mmmmm..I just had a break. We went to convinience to buy something to drink and just a 'lil thing to eat. So back to mah position. Am getting sleepy but I have a lot of stuffs to do. Including the grades. So its D's day and he's 9 years older than me. I'm happy to have him and I'm happy that he reach his age. And one last thing, that is the card on mah gift. Well, there's a lot of things to say. I just wish him a good life and health as well but the detailed message..its ours to keep. I love you D and Happy boitday dear!

Term of the Month Celeb

Its a special day today but I don't usually write during this kind of days. In the Philippines, its October 20, 2008 and this day is indeed special. Its the 3rd Year and 1st month of my relationship with my..mmm..not sweet(nyahahah!) yet responsible boyfriend. This day is a real funny day. We were out early this morning so after work,i went to his hauz. He was still sleeping as usual and its 10:30am. We are both nocturnal actually. So i just did my OL works before going to rest as well. When I was about to rest, he's getting up and starting his day then. Its not a good thing though after him losing our pinky ring, again for the 3rd time. Well, its not what the blog is all about. Its about a term that his nephew "Derek" used. Very funny line! "Utot sa Baba!" Wahahaha! I was craving for food today. Just scrambled egg and pancit canton. I really miss foods cooked at home. Its really different than just eating on fastfoods or food chains. So me and my hon cooked at their house and his nephew "Derek", niece "Xanthe", younger bro "Lyndon" and a companion in 'd hauz "My2" ate together on the table. Then here comes Derek saying "Utot sa baba" in Visayan language. You might not have any idea of this specially for those who don't understand Visayan. We really laugh at it! Have any idea?! Well, if we have fart from the anus, so we have burp from the mouth and that is what that term means. "Utot sa baba" is just simply burp! Wahahah! I feel disgusted to that while we were eating but we really laugh at it. I really enjoyed the day. Well, gotta go now. Have to shop a 'lil! God bless everyone and thanks for the funny day with my hon's family! Weee! :-)

Sunset Bids

Craddle

by Akiss

I miss my baby, I miss his love,

I miss his arms around me at night,

I miss his hugs, I miss his kisses,

I miss everything that my baby gives.

When she was gone you are with me,

And now she's coping and you are away,

When will you be back into my side,

Baby I'm waiting for you to lay.

You said you don't want us to break,

You said you don't want me to be hurt,

I believe on every word you have said,

I find ways and find some efforts.

I want you here beside me again,

My heart finds you and drop a tear,

Thinkin' that you'll be back to make and end,

My baby just stop it and say you'll stay.

Just transferring my day's off date,

Insanely done to be with you longer,

But how could you ignore the plan?

You haven't realized how it's done?

I broke up with you 'cause I am hurt,

I can't bear a pain of a concubine,

We are the second apple of the eye,

So let's stop this cruelty and lies.

I want to stay but say you'll value me,

Just make some efforts and I will risk,

We both have main to gain some pain,

But keep on loving and we will remain.

First Descendants

(Sigh)..I felt so tired and lonely today. Classes has already ended. I had this part time job in a University and I had my 1st, 2 sections under me. Both 2nd yr. students from Pharmacy and ITE department. My pharm class consist mostly of girls while my ITE class is consist mostly of bois. That is the reason why they almost have their own partners from their other class. I felt scared when I 1st teach because certainly, that is the 1st time I'm going to handle a real class. All i had is just reportings before with my own classmates.But this one is for real! Like I do most of the talks but I really love it specially when I really had a lot to talk about. It was a combination of excitement and challenge thinking on how my 2 classes would go. I never thought that i could be this close to them. I remember one said that they learned while having fun. It was really my point then and so I was really happy to hear it.! I will never forget my coach, Eman in my networking class, the animator, Paul J., Manong and Mrs. Manlangit, "'d drank" Pan, "'d artist" Alfid, "Mr. Shiny hair" Rosquita; partner, servant, soldier and all Roldan, prayer leader Gella, the camera mens; chris, arbie and contact lens gurl, dhalxhie and many more, feeling Diet Barrameda(wahahhah!), Pating and d "wallet"(lol), Kikopitaps, Aningertz and the bugoy club(u know hu u r) hu never failed to show their interest, I trust you guys and I know you could be more! And for all those whom I did not mention, just bear with me cause there were just too many of you(hehehhe). Thanks a lot guys! If you thank me for learning a lot so am I cause I learned a lot as well! I can't stop a tear to drop when my partner and I talk bout it. I will really miss the fun, the faces, the uniqueness of each one. You were my 1st students and my inspiration to be more of me. I appreciate each one's love, care and cooperation in the class. Thanks for all the debuts that I was invited. To my pharm students who never failed to notice if i have a new or a change of shoes everyday. Thank you guys for the overall appreciation. The Mcdo debut of Tangi and his ever sweet partner Yamato, for the Kaputian with Maris, and the ever fun bday of Eman at penongs. The picture2 @ P's Park as well as all the emo's and the funniest people in my networking class. Good thing we never had the chance to feel sleepy during class. Do good guys! Me or maybe another teacher, learn a lot and be good! You could possibly a lot better than you may see me. I really enjoyed, learned and love a lot bout you guys in one package. To my Pharm and ITE descendants, my partners, my pals, my students..thanks for the ears you lend and the heart you have opened to love me. I'm gonna miss you badly..TC! :-(

Gehenna

Bad ass he is. The nerve! I really wanna slap his face! What the..!! Imagine havin' dat reaction?! Just dat!?! Blind bastard and u wid ur bitch! Don't ever think u both are in to have favor on me. She might still have to be my youngster but not u damn! I don't know what's running into ur f*****' mind! U r so damn insensate! I'm still on my shus gud thing but once am not, don't ever do sumthin' stupid..what the hell are u thinkin' for acting like dat?! Ur not a soul u fool! My insanity really comes out 'cause sum1 triggers it. I 4got hu iam and all that I got. He is just a zilch in the direction to whimper! duh!

Dedicated...

ME, Really?!
by a K i S s

Begin with walk on the air,
Back on them, Front on us,
We care, We turn our backs,
Rock on to d' game.

A lil' time to share,
Borowed for some way,
Hide and seek with us,
R u gona play?

Unplaned, Unwanted..
D' feelings started to raise,
Unwanted favor,
I jump and craze.

Intensity almost reached,
Was about to chus and stay,
Just wen i did,
Tilted and u go away.

F*** u 4 startin',
F*** u for leavin',
Player to player game,
Crafting me plunge, damn!

Tilt on ME

Really so early to drop it. Well, i got nothin' else to do but scan on pages i wanna look into. Playing this list of shit music on mah player sucks! Got some lines on the song like "it felt so crazy...baby forget about me". It really feels bad that I let sum1 cum into mah shivering life and just leave w/out clearing everythin'. Everythin' bout that thingy is really my bad. It sucks that everytym i asked that damn, he says nothing really cool on the other side of him. But guess what?! Just by scanning into web pages, fuckin' asshole is makin' a new day with that side w/out even tellin' me dat its getin' well. He was lost in me and so am I. I was nick on deeming that there was sumthin but there isn't. How could he start this bulls*** and cut me off?! Well, i was into this and must know the way out. The only gaffe that dickhead did is deciding to do it to ME. He should have mourn on playing the same player that he is. There's no good thing I can say now. But am totally livid and very very mad. Can't imagine if i could only burst this out noticeably, goodluck to the Philippines! lol. Still manage to laugh huh?! But this is serious, he should have chosen the person to rock on. No more baby...washy washy mode now! Done with that chapter so goodbye to mah beloved soul. F***!

Listen

Never had said I'm gonna lose the feeling but I lose him. I don't know why and don't know that it was going to happen. We'd never been together for long so I would not say I'm in love with him. I have my man and I still respect that matter. This other guy is just new, vague and easy. In behalf he's damn childish. I understand that he may act like that but he is supposed to be understanding the life around him. He would have just do good things to the one he cares but never really to those who are just around him. I know that he is trying to go back to the good man he is(i know he has a good side though). I just want to let go and give him up. There is this girl who's also close to me and really very sweet and good. I'm happy that she may be the one. I would be a lot happier if this guy would change because of her. I'm aching and it makes me want to drop a tear. I felt crying in front of him. "Whoever she is, that may not be me but just go back to the good person i felt you are." How I wish I could be the one but I think I will never be. He is starting to drop his passion to maybe win this girl. I'm happy that he is changing for somehow inspired with the presence of a girl, my friend i may say. I'm just hoping that his glow would cure my letting go. I don't know why I have the highest hope on him. I can't even explain why every time I get mad at him, there is always something pulling me back on staying with him and understanding his vague side. I'm a friend to him now and I'm supposed to be acting that way. Sometimes, it makes me want to run away. I want to see him happy but with another girl, one of the closest, it would make me bleed. As what I'm saying, I hope he could be happy with me and change for good as well. But now I guess its not my way to do it. I have to smile for them and I have to cry when they turn their back on me and laugh for being together. I want to accept that we are over whatever it is that we have or I have for him. I guess I would just keep on singing in my mind...the song I keep on listening right now. I asked him to sing for me and this song that keeps on playing now reminds me of his smile, his laugh and his smell...don't make any "Trouble" now...

Sooo Pissed Off

I cant construct my words. I've been spending minutes here and I still don't know how to state things. I'm just gonna make this straight. I hate being played like a fool specially when I'm starting to like a person. Hell with those who feel they are God and feel so great with themselves. I was about to fall and a guy just messed up on me. "Don't mess with pigs because pigs likes dirty and you might get dirty as well". He really is a pig and I'm starting to get dirty! I have a lot of cursing in mind but I don't want to write it here. I felt played and fooled! Just one thing. If your not on my page just tell me. You don't have to play or fool me. I need honesty and I don't want to think that you're one of them. I still have small chances for you. You're not oblige to do any good. Just be honest even if it's the worst. Just let me know my tone so I know where to position myself, what to act towards this shit and what to do to be out of it! Good enough?! You should be catching up my point now! Just simply tell me the truth and go away. You just wasted my time and my emotions towards you. I'm starting to get weak and I hate it because I'm not suppose to be affected. Gosh! I can't believe its happening again. I never learned! I want to think I'm wrong but where are you? I can't feel you and I can't see you. Go to hell!!!! grrrrrrr...!!! I'm really so mad of myself. I felt crying for being so stupid! I did one bad step again and I'm thinking how to get my dignity back! I want to scream every time I wake up and he is the first thing that comes in my mind. Get lost you dick head! I should not care because he doesn't even give a damn care. I have to tone down and forget whatever happened and whatever I feel. This is not doing any good for myself. I should learn out of it. Its just too hard for me to accept the situation because I'm already into it. Amnesia please! I really hate this and its happening again.

Hopin' I wasn't Wrong

Finally have done a very stupid thing in my recent life. The kindest thing I can do is say to someone that I did something very unacceptable to make him go away. Rubbish isn't it?! Yeah, I know but that's all I think I can do to make him hate me. I always thought I was wrong but half of it was right because I thought that wasn't selfish. I'm definitely playing drama now. Sitting alone here in front of this computer...crying and hurt. I'm wondering if I did the right decision. I'm with a man who talks about marriage, kids, house...yada yada...it's all about future on the right time but it seems that it's slowly flying over the wind. We're ok and yes we really are. Maybe for him we are but for me I'm starting to get sick. Did I make the right decision of choosing him? I'm too prank I know but I felt useless. I don't know what's in his mind every time I'm asking what's wrong. I don't know if he really meant on saying nothing or he just don't want to talk about it. Are we just afraid to loose each other though we really want it to?! A part of me says hold on cause its normal but the other part of me just wants to go on...alone and without him. I'm not as productive as he is definitely because I'm fresh in this real world. I want to be as he is, more if I can. It takes time and I could never say I could be the person he wants me to be. I want to feel from him that he fully accepts me as who I am or who will I become in time. Its regardless if he forget to text me, pay attention with my messages, ignoring some of my achievements. I even feel that he doesn't really believe on me and on what I can do. It wasn't right to feel this way but I felt so small with him. Its not supposed to be like this. This is love isn't it?? It should be understanding, trust and not thinking against it. Its always kind I suppose but why is it that I felt it like were playing so selfish with each other. I don't have any comments right now maybe because I cant construct the right words to say. I understand that he is tired and he has a lot of obligations but he is not alone in this world. He may see me small but I also have my obligations. It might be small to him but its a lot bigger in my small world. I'm just hoppin' I was right on choosing him and giving him my life. I got nothing else to say...

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